What does it mean for me?

            I try not to be selfish because that is the example Jesus set for his followers.  Even though I try, I find that I usually fail miserably.  I was reminded of how selfish I am this past week.  On Wednesday, I found out that the father of a friend had a heart attack.  It wasn’t expected, and I was shocked and sad. (He is alright and actually went home from the hospital today!)  But among some of my first thoughts was the thought, “What does it mean for me?”  It seems like an odd thought, but there is a reason for it.

            You see, for a while now, I have been contemplating a deeper relationship with this friend.  Over the last few months, I’ve been trying to figure out how I feel about him.  I know that we are good friends, and I know that at one point in time he liked me as more than a friend.  I care about him a lot, but I don’t know if it’s the right time in either of our lives for a dating relationship.  And I don’t know if he still cares about me as more than a friend.  As I’ve tried to figure it all out, I’ve watched how I feel when something big has happened to either one of us.  I’ve been looking for an event that would clarify how I feel.  So it was almost natural that when I saw the news about his dad, I asked myself if this event would change anything about my feelings for my friend or our relationship.  It was sort of ridiculous that this should pop into my thoughts when this situation really has nothing to do with me.  But it was my selfish nature making a situation that had nothing to do with me about me.  I realized how selfish and ridiculous the thought was at the time, but clearly I didn’t learn much about being selfish from my reflection.

            Later that night, I was leading middle school bible study at my church.  I asked the kids to give me some ideas about a topic, and I was writing them on the board.  One kid suggested a specific type of eel with two names.  The boy tried to spell it for me, but I told him I would just right eel on the board.  I didn’t’ want to take the time to have him spell it for me.  I was selfish because I wanted to move on, and I might have made him feel bad because I just brushed off his idea.  I didn’t learn anything about being selfish from my earlier thoughts in the day because I didn’t consider the feelings of the boy in this situation.

            This is how it happens a lot of times in my life.  I realize I’m being selfish (or having some other negative emotions or doing something wrong) but I charge right on with what I’m doing, and I don’t think about the other person’s feelings.  Then, after the fact, I think about the situation and realize how selfish I was and how the other person might have felt.  I regret how I’ve acted, but I can’t go back and change what I did.  I try to learn from my mistakes, but after only a short time, I find myself being selfish again. 

            I guess these are two more examples of how I’m still a work in progress.  Next week at middle school bible study, I will try to listen closely to the responses of the kids and not be in a rush to move on.  And if there is a next time for me to hear bad news about this particular friend or any other friend, I will try to think only of what the situation will be like for the friend and not think about what it means for me.