Needs vs. Wants

          My time with the youth at church has provided me with a lot of food for thought lately!  At one of our recent meetings, some of the older girls were trying to determine if one of the middle school girls had a boyfriend.  After looking through pictures on social media, they finally just asked her about it.  She told them that she had dated a guy, but she broke up with him.  Of course they asked her why, and her response blew me away.  She simply stated, “I don’t need a boyfriend.”  The group of girls affirmed her for her response and went on to chatter about other aspects of their lives, but as you can see, I’m still thinking about her response.

            Since starting middle school, it seems like all I’ve wanted was a boyfriend.  In middle school one of the driving desires behind this want was to have a friend because friendships were hard for me in middle and high school.  In college, God has blessed me with some true, dedicated, caring friends who are unbelievably precious to me.  But the addition of good friends to my life has not lessened the desire for a boyfriend/husband.  I think through some immature beliefs and a good dose of TV shows, romantic comedies, and historical novels I came to believe that I needed a boyfriend/husband to be secure and complete.  At times, I could see that I was functioning fine as an independent, single person, but I still longed for that significant other who would understand me and help me explain myself to the world.  I think there was a part of me that knew that I didn’t need a boyfriend/husband, but that was overridden by the part of me that desperately longed for somebody to share life with.

            When my friend in the youth group said she didn’t need a boyfriend it was like a light bulb clicked on.  Many of the heroines I admired or novels I loved were written in or set in the past.  In the past, women really did need a husband or some other significant male figure in their life (father, brother, guardian) to survive.  My pastor preached about the widow of Zarephath recently, and she was one of those women who struggled to survive until Elijah healed her son and helped her.  She needed Elijah and her son to take care of her because of the constraints of the culture she lived in.  In the past, society bred the lie that a woman was of value only if she was a wife and mother.  Society dictated that she became a burden to her family if she did not get married.  This can be seen all throughout history until very recent times.  (There were exceptions, but they were few and far between!)  Many of the stories I have absorbed in my life were set against this reality.  While most of the relationships in the stories were indeed based on love, I think I also unconsciously recognized that the woman needed that relationship to be provided for and considered of value in her society. 

            I realized that I live in a very different world from these women of the past.  In 2013, it is very possible for me, as a woman, to get an education, get a job, and support myself without any help from the males in my life.  (I have relied on the support of my father to get me through college, but if I had needed to, I could have supported myself.)  In less than a year, I will be a teacher.  This profession will allow me to support myself for the rest of my life without a husband.  In today’s world I could even have a child through adoption or other means without a man.  My culture is one where women do not need to rely on men to support them.  I’ve known this in my mind for all my life, but I didn’t know it in my heart until my friend made her simple statement.  She doesn’t need a boyfriend to have a fulfilling life as a middle schooler, and I do not need a husband to have a fulfilling life as an adult! 

            This revelation has given me confidence about the path my life is headed towards.  Over the past few years, I have felt very insecure about the fact that I have zero prospects for a significant relationship anytime soon.  I felt like I needed to have a fiancé or be close to having a fiancé when I left school.  But that just hasn’t happened.  Now, I know that if I trust in the Lord, I will survive this transition to adulthood without a significant other in my life.  It is a blessing in an uncertain time!

            The realization that I don’t need a man in my life does not however diminish my desire for a boyfriend/fiancé/husband.  It is still a major dream for my life.  I believe that God created me to love in this way, at some point in my life.  Waiting for this relationship has been hard over the past eleven years, and I may have many hard years of waiting ahead.  God may never bless me with this relationship.  But realizing that I don’t need a man in my life has helped me take one more small step to being at peace with being an independent, single woman at this stage in my life.  God has taught me a lot and done many beautiful things in my life so far, and I know He will continue to teach me and create beauty in my life whether I am single, in a relationship, or married.  I am so thankful that God placed a girl who is wise beyond her years in the youth group at my church and used her to teach me a lesson I should have learned when I was her age!

Jesus Likes You

            I help with the youth group at my church, and I love hanging out with the teenagers there!  I also love helping out because I continue to grow in my relationship with Christ through the lessons directed at those younger than me.  This past Wednesday night, this message greeted us from the board: “Jesus loves and likes you.”  The youth minister explained that we often take for granted Jesus’ deep love for us and we often completely forget that Jesus likes us!  As soon as I saw the message on the board, it was like I took a deep breath and leaned into truth.  I am a very analytical person, and I am by far my own toughest critic.  There are many days where I really dislike myself whether it’s my personality, my appearance, my abilities, my faults, or something else.  I spend a lot of time wanting to be someone different or have different qualities.  There are also times where I wonder if anybody else likes me.  It was so nice to be reminded that, not only does Jesus love me with a love I can’t understand, he likes me.  In fact, he created me, so those things that I don’t like about myself, he planned them and formed them and developed them before I could even think or analyze!  He doesn’t like the sin in my life or my sinful actions, but he does like me.  And that is a beautiful thought to save away for the days when I don’t like myself.

One Year

            It’s been a year.  I can’t believe it!  This journey with blogging has not really gone as I thought it would which is exactly the way my life journey has gone this year.  I started this blog because there was a guy I admired, and I got to know him through his blog.  God used his blog to encourage me.  He had stopped writing as frequently, and I missed his wise words.  I sent him a letter telling him how much his words meant to me.  And on this day last year, he sent me a note back thanking me for my words and encouraging me once again.  As I thought about how much his words meant to me and how he was writing less frequently, I realized that blogging was something I could do, and maybe my words would mean something to those who stumbled across my blog. 

            As I often am, I was too scared to share my heart with my name attached to the blog or with the people I know.  Because of this there have not been as many readers as I thought there might be.  That’s ok.  This is a special place for me.  And one day, maybe I’ll share it, but not right now.

            It’s been a long journey this last year.  In fact the last four years have been a long journey.  It is my senior year of college, so every last brings reason to reflect and remember.  There are memories from this time that I want to erase and never remember.  I have experienced grief and betrayal by friends.  I have seen friends make stupid, heartbreaking choices.  I have turned away from the Lord and spit in His face.  But there are precious, treasured memories that I never want to forget.  I have found true, caring, loyal friends for the first time in my life.  I have sung and danced for the Lord.  I have learned to be a teacher.  I have become myself.  I have felt God’s grace in a way that I hadn’t experienced before.

            Life has not gone the way I expected it to, but I’m not sure I can imagine it happening any other way.  God has grown me in ways that he couldn’t if life had followed my plan.  God has broken my heart for things that it might not have broken for if life had followed my plan.  God has shown me that He makes beauty from the ashes and always will.  I might not have learned this if life had gone my way.  I didn’t know I needed to learn this lesson.  Before college, I thought that, because I followed the rules and was a “good” girl, God owed me a husband and a good life.  I knew that there was sin in the world and that I was a sinful person, but I didn’t know the depth of my sin or the depth of my need for Christ.  I didn’t realize that I can’t earn anything in my life; it is all a gift from God and has nothing to do with how many rules I follow or how many assignments I turn in on time.

            When I realized that I couldn’t earn the things I wanted, I was very confused and frustrated with God.  I wondered, “What is the point of following God?”  I pushed away from Him and the people and places that would lead me to Him.  I was running.  There was a point in the last two years where I realized that God has different standards from the world and that I truly desire to follow those standards.  But the damage was done.  I had already lost the habits I had implemented that helped me draw close to the Lord.  Finding those habits again or creating new ones has been a rocky goal that I am still nowhere close to accomplishing.  I still have many moments where I wonder what it’s all for.  If following God doesn’t guarantee me a husband or the life I want, then why should I follow Him.  No matter how many times I turn away and ask this question, I always come back to the reality that I can’t live apart from Him.  I need Him in my life, and I want Him there.

            This journey this year has taught me that I am far from perfect.  I have a long way to go in drawing close to the Lord and knowing His heart.  It is a daily process, and I cannot accomplish knowing Him without His help.  I am a human saved by the grace of God, and I am struggling to live out that reality in day to day life.  Here’s to another year of struggling and living life with God!