It’s been a
year. I can’t believe it! This journey with blogging has not really
gone as I thought it would which is exactly the way my life journey has gone
this year. I started this blog because
there was a guy I admired, and I got to know him through his blog. God used his blog to encourage me. He had stopped writing as frequently, and I
missed his wise words. I sent him a
letter telling him how much his words meant to me. And on this day last year, he sent me a note
back thanking me for my words and encouraging me once again. As I thought about how much his words meant
to me and how he was writing less frequently, I realized that blogging was something
I could do, and maybe my words would mean something to those who stumbled
across my blog.
As I often
am, I was too scared to share my heart with my name attached to the blog or
with the people I know. Because of this
there have not been as many readers as I thought there might be. That’s ok.
This is a special place for me.
And one day, maybe I’ll share it, but not right now.
It’s been a
long journey this last year. In fact the
last four years have been a long journey.
It is my senior year of college, so every last brings reason to reflect
and remember. There are memories from this
time that I want to erase and never remember.
I have experienced grief and betrayal by friends. I have seen friends make stupid,
heartbreaking choices. I have turned away
from the Lord and spit in His face. But
there are precious, treasured memories that I never want to forget. I have found true, caring, loyal friends for
the first time in my life. I have sung
and danced for the Lord. I have learned
to be a teacher. I have become myself. I have felt God’s grace in a way that I hadn’t
experienced before.
Life has
not gone the way I expected it to, but I’m not sure I can imagine it happening
any other way. God has grown me in ways
that he couldn’t if life had followed my plan.
God has broken my heart for things that it might not have broken for if
life had followed my plan. God has shown
me that He makes beauty from the ashes and always will. I might not have learned this if life had gone
my way. I didn’t know I needed to learn
this lesson. Before college, I thought
that, because I followed the rules and was a “good” girl, God owed me a husband
and a good life. I knew that there was
sin in the world and that I was a sinful person, but I didn’t know the depth of
my sin or the depth of my need for Christ.
I didn’t realize that I can’t earn anything in my life; it is all a gift
from God and has nothing to do with how many rules I follow or how many
assignments I turn in on time.
When I
realized that I couldn’t earn the things I wanted, I was very confused and
frustrated with God. I wondered, “What
is the point of following God?” I pushed
away from Him and the people and places that would lead me to Him. I was running. There was a point in the last two years where
I realized that God has different standards from the world and that I truly
desire to follow those standards. But
the damage was done. I had already lost
the habits I had implemented that helped me draw close to the Lord. Finding those habits again or creating new
ones has been a rocky goal that I am still nowhere close to accomplishing. I still have many moments where I wonder what
it’s all for. If following God doesn’t guarantee
me a husband or the life I want, then why should I follow Him. No matter how many times I turn away and ask
this question, I always come back to the reality that I can’t live apart from
Him. I need Him in my life, and I want
Him there.
This
journey this year has taught me that I am far from perfect. I have a long way to go in drawing close to
the Lord and knowing His heart. It is a
daily process, and I cannot accomplish knowing Him without His help. I am a human saved by the grace of God, and I
am struggling to live out that reality in day to day life. Here’s to another year of struggling and
living life with God!
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