Losing my
grandmother was really tough. I had
never had anybody that close to me or special to me pass away before. Her stroke was unexpected, and it was almost
a year before she finally passed away.
Watching the body of a person who was vibrant and kind become a twisted,
unresponsive mess was difficult. It was
also difficult to see what it did to my grandfather and my mom. In my mind and to other people, I told myself
I was trying to depend on God to get me through that tough time. But at the same time, I had a tough time with
a roommate, some feelings for multiple guys that I was trying to work through,
a tough class load, and a difficult situation in an organization I was a part
of. Looking back, none of these things
seem too terrible in the grand scheme of things, but for me, at that time in my
life, it was awful. And instead of
drawing closer to God like I knew I should, I pushed away and chose to be angry
at Him. I was just trying to survive,
and I didn’t want God challenging me to be a better person during this time, so
I pushed really hard away from Him. I really
questioned whether a relationship with God was really worth it. That spring semester felt like it would never
end.
But it did. And I went to London to study abroad. I didn’t automatically draw closer to God by
reading the bible or attending church services in London. In London, there wasn’t any pressure to
be a “good” Christian like there sometimes is at my college and in other parts
of my life. I knew I had the opportunity
to be somebody completely different. I
knew I could go out and party and meet guys and drink and no one would judge me
for that or even have to know. In fact,
some of my traveling companions did just that.
But I discovered that, even when presented with a situation where there is no
pressure or standards or people watching me and judging me, I still choose to
live my quiet life and enjoy things in a calm, steady manner! I learned that I truly desire to be helpful
and that I am a person who picks up the slack for other people. I don’t have to be with a large group of
people to enjoy myself, and those times when I am by myself are perfect times
to savor a precious moment just between God and me.
I arrived
back in the States feeling refreshed after my busy spring semester. Later in the summer I had the opportunity to
chaperone a youth group trip to church camp focused on mission.
It was with the church I attend while I am at school, and I hadn’t had
much interaction with the youth. I wasn’t
sure how they would respond to me. I was
overwhelmed by the kindness and respect they showed me! They included me in their group in an
appropriate way for an adult. On that
trip, I was placed in a group that worked alongside an intentional community
which was a type of organization I had been exploring with my community
involvement committee at school. It was
a blessing to see one in action and to partner with them and help them. I just felt God’s presence in an incredible
way that week! I sensed His forgiveness
of my sins, His love for me, and a sense of renewal provided by Him.
Since that
time, I haven’t come rushing back to the way I used to relate to God, but I haven’t pushed Him away
either. I sought Him and His presence
more often during the fall semester. And
I felt healing begin to occur in many areas of my life. I am at a stage in my life where I am very
busy, and I am learning to be very thankful for the foundation in His word He
helped me create during my middle and high school years because it is seeing me
through. I am also thankful for my
church family and my Sunday School teachers who impart wisdom to me every
Sunday. Knowing I will learn something
new about God or my relationship with Him from them pulls me out of bed every
Sunday morning. Our campus worship service is also fundamental in growing my relationship with the Lord, and it is an essential part of my week.
We have a
large campus event at the beginning of each spring semester, and I have another
busy semester, so I started off my semester tired and discouraged. Situations occurred that began to get me
frustrated with God again, but in the last week, I have been amazed and totally
blessed by Him. My group for this campus
event came together in a way that was powerful and such a blessing! And I once again felt this sense of
forgiveness, love, and renewal! God has
taught me that my relationship with Him has the power to draw me close to others
in a way that I can’t manufacture on my own.
He has shown me that at this point in my life, friendship is the most
important relationship I can offer or receive from someone. God has reminded me that relationships are
more powerful and lasting than trophies, titles, or prizes! And finally, God has reminded me that “this
is not the end!” And that even if I am separated from people I love, if they
believe in the healing power of the death and resurrection of Jesus Christ, we
will all come together once again to praise Him for eternity!
