JOY

I’ve got the JOY, JOY, JOY, JOY down in my heart, down in my heart, down in my heart!  I’ve got the JOY, JOY, JOY, JOY down in my heart, down in my heart to stay!

            I don’t know whether it’s because it’s the end of the semester or whether I’m remembering how blessed I am or what, but over the past few days, I’ve just had this amazing feeling of JOY!  I know it’s from God because there isn’t anything particularly happy or amazing going on in my life right now.  In fact, since exams are next week, I should probably be stressed to the max!  But I’m not.  This past spring was a really low point for me.  I was dealing with losing my Grandmother and some other things going on in my life, and they just really made me question some things about my life and who I am.  I could feel something change this summer, and God provided me with a since of renewal.  There were moments in this semester that were really tough, but I survived all of it!  Having just had such a low point makes me want to just savor these joyful moments.  I want to store up this feeling and be able to pull it out when the times get rough again because I know they will.  I am thankful to have a relationship with the giver of ultimate joy and peace!

A Special Person

            One year ago today, my family lost a very special person.  My Grandmother was a woman who loved quietly, but fiercely.  She was so kind and always took the time to listen to others.  She had a smile that could light up a room.  I loved sitting next to her in church on Sunday mornings.  When I was younger, she helped me sew dresses for my dolls.  She tried to teach me to knit, but that didn’t last very long!  There are so many memories I could share, and I know she touched many lives in addition to mine.  She was just a special woman!

            I don’t think I realized how special and important she was to me until she passed away.  She and my Granddad lived in the same town as me when I was growing up.  I loved seeing them and spending time with them, but as I got older, eating with them after church sometimes felt like a chore.  I now wish I had treasured those moments. I  am blessed because I have known all four of my grandparents.  In my teenage years, I knew that losing them was becoming a real possibility, and I told myself that  when they passed away, I would be thankful for the time I had with them.  I imagined I wouldn’t be too saddened by their deaths because I had the opportunity to know them for so long. 

            My Grandmother was the first one of my grandparents to die, and I was so wrong.  My Grandmother’s death threw my world into a tale spin.  It crushed me.  Maybe letting her go has been so hard because of the circumstances surrounding her death.  In December 2010, my Grandmother had a stroke.  Other than a few minor health problems, she was a perfectly healthy woman.  There was nothing to indicate that she would have a stroke.  It was an aneurysm, so there really would have been no way to predict it.  The stroke was completely unexpected.  Although she had surgery soon after the stroke happened and she could breathe on her own, it fully crippled her body.  She spent the last eleven months of her life in a bed and she didn’t’ speak, walk, or interact.  She did open her eyes and she did occasionally move her mouth as though she were trying to say something.  There were those moments where she seemed like she connected with people.  But we were never able to do anything to really restore her to any semblance of her old self.  My Grandfather sat faithfully be her side everyday.  My mom split her time between taking care of her parents in our old hometown and taking care of her husband and home in a new city. 

            In the beginning, we had hope.  The surgeon thought the original surgery had gone well.  There was brain activity.  As the months passed, most of my family began to realize that she was not going to get better.  Unfortunately, my Granddad could not seem to see this reality.  He always seemed to believe that she would get better.  Looking back now, I think deep down I shared that hope.  I didn’t even realize it until after she was gone, but as long as my Grandmother was alive, God could work a miracle and heal her.  Once she passed away, she was gone forever.  Although, I am thankful that she believed in the saving love of Christ because I now have the hope that I will see her again in heaven!

            Even as the hope that she would get better faded, I imagined that I was prepared to face the separation caused by death.  Seeing her crippled and unresponsive was horrible.  The woman lying in that bed was not my Grandmother.  I believed in my heart that dying was the only way for her to truly be healed, and I thought that belief would make handling her death easier.  God’s plan was to heal her in the best way possible, but once again I was wrong about how I would handle it. 

            When she died, I hadn’t hugged her or talked to her in almost a year.  The last time I heard her voice was four days before her stroke.  There was no final good-bye.  I didn’t get to say one last I love you.  I don’t even really remember the last time I saw her.  If I had known that was going to be the last weekend I had with her, I would have made it count.  I would have been sure to remember every moment, and to give her a big hug and tell her I loved her.  But I didn’t know and I didn’t do those things.  I think those regrets have haunted me as I’ve dealt with her loss. 

            Also, I didn’t realize how important she was to me or other people until she was gone.  I was amazed at her visitation by the people who came and the genuine love they had for her.  Their love for her didn’t surprise me, but I could tell that part of the reason they loved her was because of the love she showed them.  Now, that I realize her amazing ability to love, I wish she were here for me to tell her how amazing she was.  I also wish she were here to continue to give me her wisdom.  I never imagined my life without her, and now I’ve had to begin to picture the future without her.  I so wish that me or my siblings or my cousins had been at the point in our lives to have children because she would have loved meeting her great-grandchildren.  There have been a number of repercussions to her death that have changed me that I won’t go into now, but her death has changed my life and the lives of my family.

            I have learned so many things in dealing with my grief over my Grandmother.  There are two lessons that are evident to me in this post.  First, I will be much more cautious in telling myself I’m ready to handle any situation, but especially the loss of a person dear to me.  I had a vague idea of what I thought grief would look like, and I was completely unprepared for what it would be like.  Now I’ve experienced it, and I see how hard it is to let people I care about leave my life.  There have been times in the past year where I’ve thought about loving the people who are currently in my life, but not adding new people to the list of those I love.  But that goes against the other lesson I’ve learned.  As far as I can tell, my Grandmother had loved almost every person she encountered.  I want to be like her.  I want to show God’s love to as many people as I can.  And I want to be sure that the people I already love know how much I love them.  I don’t want to miss an opportunity to make someone else feel special because my Grandmother certainly made the most of all her opportunities.  She will always be a part of my life, and I hope I can pass on her legacy of love to everyone I encounter!

Reality

            To say my life has been a little hectic lately would be an understatement.  Some of it is my own doing, but some of it is just life.  I’ve been getting a large dose of reality, and it even applies to this blog.  When I thought about creating a blog, I imagined that I would look forward to writing on it every day and that I would make it a priority.  The reality is, most days I haven’t even thought about writing on my blog.  The days that I have, I’ve been too tired or felt like I didn’t have anything to say.  Before I started my blog, I would get frustrated when bloggers I follow didn’t write for a few days or weeks.  Now I understand how hard it is to be consistent when your life is busy.  (And let’s be honest most of the bloggers I follow have much busier lives than I do!)  There are many other more significant realities that I have been accepting lately.

            I am attending college to become an elementary school teacher.  Teaching was a career I had always considered.  Many of the heroes of books I read when I was younger were teachers.  These characters usually lived in the nineteenth century and taught in a one room school.  When I pictured myself teaching, I pictured a classroom where I had control of what my students learned much like the classrooms my heroes taught in.  I knew that teaching would be a hard, challenging job, but I didn’t imagine that my college courses in education would be challenging.  I thought the challenge would start after college!  The reality is that my program is very challenging.  We have a lot of assignments that we have to complete, and we are also working with actual students who have real needs.  I’ve had to put off school assignments to be prepared to work with the students.  This has been hard for me because giving my best effort in my schoolwork has always been important to me.  There have been days I’ve been so overwhelmed I didn’t even know which assignment to start working on.  With all the stress, you would think I would give up on this career and just choose something easier.  But I’m realizing that life in general takes a lot of hard work, and any other career I might choose would have its ups and downs.  I’m also learning that teaching is totally worth the hard work and the stress.  This is my passion!  The vocation God called me to!  And although it’s overwhelming, the program I am in will thoroughly prepare me to be the best teacher I can be.

            Another reality that I’ve had to digest during college is that, the way it looks right now, I won’t be getting married at the end of college.  When I was younger, I imagined that I would meet the perfect guy, for me, in college; we would marry when we were finished with school; I would teach for a few years; and then we would have three or four biological children, and live happily ever after.  The reality is, if I’ve met my future husband, I don’t know it yet.  And from the looks of it, he won’t be showing up anytime soon, and certainly not in time for us to be married right out of college!  I’m not even sure if that’s what I want anymore.  For the most part, I’m content being single.  Being single certainly gives me freedom to make decisions about where I live and what I do (get my masters or not) when I finish college.  However, this freedom is also kind of scary.  I have to make those decisions for myself.  There is no one who is going to school in a specific city or getting a job somewhere that could influence where I apply for jobs.  I certainly have support from and will receive advice from my parents, but it isn’t quite the same.  While I am content with where I am right now, I can’t help feeling it would be nice to have someone to share life with.

            I’ve also been realizing that when this man comes along, life won’t automatically change and be perfect.  I imagined that it would be easy getting to know a person and letting a person into my life.  My interactions with the friend I mentioned in my last post have taught me that it isn’t always easy or comfortable to have another person care and think about you or to care about another person.  If I get married, things won’t magically change and everything will be alright.  I’ll carry all of who I am, good and bad, into a marriage, and my husband will do the same.  We won’t always like each other, and there will be awkward moments, misunderstandings, and fights.  But I think I also see that the love that grows out of sharing all of your life, even the imperfect moments, is beautiful.

            So let’s just say I’ve done a lot of growing since starting college.  In fact, I’ve done a lot of growing in the past three months!  It’s hard to watch my dreams slip away and turn into reality, but I’m learning many lessons as this happens.  I’m also forming new dreams that seem slightly more realistic.  I’m trying to take life day by day and be thankful for the opportunities I’ve been given, even if my life isn’t exactly as I imagined it would be.

What does it mean for me?

            I try not to be selfish because that is the example Jesus set for his followers.  Even though I try, I find that I usually fail miserably.  I was reminded of how selfish I am this past week.  On Wednesday, I found out that the father of a friend had a heart attack.  It wasn’t expected, and I was shocked and sad. (He is alright and actually went home from the hospital today!)  But among some of my first thoughts was the thought, “What does it mean for me?”  It seems like an odd thought, but there is a reason for it.

            You see, for a while now, I have been contemplating a deeper relationship with this friend.  Over the last few months, I’ve been trying to figure out how I feel about him.  I know that we are good friends, and I know that at one point in time he liked me as more than a friend.  I care about him a lot, but I don’t know if it’s the right time in either of our lives for a dating relationship.  And I don’t know if he still cares about me as more than a friend.  As I’ve tried to figure it all out, I’ve watched how I feel when something big has happened to either one of us.  I’ve been looking for an event that would clarify how I feel.  So it was almost natural that when I saw the news about his dad, I asked myself if this event would change anything about my feelings for my friend or our relationship.  It was sort of ridiculous that this should pop into my thoughts when this situation really has nothing to do with me.  But it was my selfish nature making a situation that had nothing to do with me about me.  I realized how selfish and ridiculous the thought was at the time, but clearly I didn’t learn much about being selfish from my reflection.

            Later that night, I was leading middle school bible study at my church.  I asked the kids to give me some ideas about a topic, and I was writing them on the board.  One kid suggested a specific type of eel with two names.  The boy tried to spell it for me, but I told him I would just right eel on the board.  I didn’t’ want to take the time to have him spell it for me.  I was selfish because I wanted to move on, and I might have made him feel bad because I just brushed off his idea.  I didn’t learn anything about being selfish from my earlier thoughts in the day because I didn’t consider the feelings of the boy in this situation.

            This is how it happens a lot of times in my life.  I realize I’m being selfish (or having some other negative emotions or doing something wrong) but I charge right on with what I’m doing, and I don’t think about the other person’s feelings.  Then, after the fact, I think about the situation and realize how selfish I was and how the other person might have felt.  I regret how I’ve acted, but I can’t go back and change what I did.  I try to learn from my mistakes, but after only a short time, I find myself being selfish again. 

            I guess these are two more examples of how I’m still a work in progress.  Next week at middle school bible study, I will try to listen closely to the responses of the kids and not be in a rush to move on.  And if there is a next time for me to hear bad news about this particular friend or any other friend, I will try to think only of what the situation will be like for the friend and not think about what it means for me.

One Song

As I watched last night's debate, this song popped into my head.  I'm really not a big fan of politics, and I hate the way political differences divide the citizens of our nation.  I understand that the two sides balance each other out and ensure that no side gets too much power.  BUT sometimes I long for the day when we will all praise our Father in heaven without division!

"There will be no division!  Everyone will belong!  When we all join together in ONE song!"

Solace in the Ups and Downs

If I'm struggling, at least I'm following the God who is the solid rock!

Ups and Downs

            I started this blog on an up.  Wednesday night I was leading middle school bible study at my church, and as I was teaching, I felt God’s presence in an amazing way!  I think I was still reveling in that feeling when I made the decision to create the blog on Thursday night.  Of course, I chose to create the blog instead of going to bed like I should have.  So Friday I was super tired, and I had a really busy day.  Friday night I was at choir practice, and once again, I felt like God was really close to me during a time of prayer!  It was another neat experience, and I had fun at choir practice.  But because of two late nights in a row and a busy day in between, I was exhausted.   I chose not to set my alarm, so I slept very late Saturday (aka it was afternoon when I got out of bed!)  Even after I got up, I was so tired that I just couldn’t make myself do any work.  I have a long list of assignments I need to be working on, so I just got frustrated at myself.  I felt so overwhelmed by all that I had to do and by the fact that I didn’t feel like I had the energy to do any of it.  I did manage to get a few things done, but it was not even close to what I wanted or needed to get done.  I was pretty mad and frustrated at myself, so Saturday was definitely a low. 

            This morning, I almost went back to sleep, but I managed to get to Sunday school on time.  In Sunday school, I was blessed with a lesson about God showing up in the midst of the whirlwind! (Job 38:1-7)  It seemed to fit perfectly with the way I was feeling yesterday.  After church, I had to eat lunch and run errands.  By the time I got back to my room, I was feeling tired again.  I wasted some time, and then made myself go to the library to study.  I got some reading done, but not nearly enough.  And here I am now, sitting on my couch watching a tv show because I don’t want to miss the new episode.  I wish I could blame my problems on the long list of assignments I have to complete or something else, but I know it’s my own fault.  I also wish I could say I had an amazing weekend where I got a lot of work done and spent lots of time pouring over God’s word, but I can’t.  In the end, I know I probably needed the rest, and I will get all my work done eventually.  But I still feel frustrated with myself, and I know that it will make my already busy week busier.  I guess it just goes to show that I’m still a work in progress like everyone else in this world.