Needs vs. Wants

          My time with the youth at church has provided me with a lot of food for thought lately!  At one of our recent meetings, some of the older girls were trying to determine if one of the middle school girls had a boyfriend.  After looking through pictures on social media, they finally just asked her about it.  She told them that she had dated a guy, but she broke up with him.  Of course they asked her why, and her response blew me away.  She simply stated, “I don’t need a boyfriend.”  The group of girls affirmed her for her response and went on to chatter about other aspects of their lives, but as you can see, I’m still thinking about her response.

            Since starting middle school, it seems like all I’ve wanted was a boyfriend.  In middle school one of the driving desires behind this want was to have a friend because friendships were hard for me in middle and high school.  In college, God has blessed me with some true, dedicated, caring friends who are unbelievably precious to me.  But the addition of good friends to my life has not lessened the desire for a boyfriend/husband.  I think through some immature beliefs and a good dose of TV shows, romantic comedies, and historical novels I came to believe that I needed a boyfriend/husband to be secure and complete.  At times, I could see that I was functioning fine as an independent, single person, but I still longed for that significant other who would understand me and help me explain myself to the world.  I think there was a part of me that knew that I didn’t need a boyfriend/husband, but that was overridden by the part of me that desperately longed for somebody to share life with.

            When my friend in the youth group said she didn’t need a boyfriend it was like a light bulb clicked on.  Many of the heroines I admired or novels I loved were written in or set in the past.  In the past, women really did need a husband or some other significant male figure in their life (father, brother, guardian) to survive.  My pastor preached about the widow of Zarephath recently, and she was one of those women who struggled to survive until Elijah healed her son and helped her.  She needed Elijah and her son to take care of her because of the constraints of the culture she lived in.  In the past, society bred the lie that a woman was of value only if she was a wife and mother.  Society dictated that she became a burden to her family if she did not get married.  This can be seen all throughout history until very recent times.  (There were exceptions, but they were few and far between!)  Many of the stories I have absorbed in my life were set against this reality.  While most of the relationships in the stories were indeed based on love, I think I also unconsciously recognized that the woman needed that relationship to be provided for and considered of value in her society. 

            I realized that I live in a very different world from these women of the past.  In 2013, it is very possible for me, as a woman, to get an education, get a job, and support myself without any help from the males in my life.  (I have relied on the support of my father to get me through college, but if I had needed to, I could have supported myself.)  In less than a year, I will be a teacher.  This profession will allow me to support myself for the rest of my life without a husband.  In today’s world I could even have a child through adoption or other means without a man.  My culture is one where women do not need to rely on men to support them.  I’ve known this in my mind for all my life, but I didn’t know it in my heart until my friend made her simple statement.  She doesn’t need a boyfriend to have a fulfilling life as a middle schooler, and I do not need a husband to have a fulfilling life as an adult! 

            This revelation has given me confidence about the path my life is headed towards.  Over the past few years, I have felt very insecure about the fact that I have zero prospects for a significant relationship anytime soon.  I felt like I needed to have a fiancé or be close to having a fiancé when I left school.  But that just hasn’t happened.  Now, I know that if I trust in the Lord, I will survive this transition to adulthood without a significant other in my life.  It is a blessing in an uncertain time!

            The realization that I don’t need a man in my life does not however diminish my desire for a boyfriend/fiancé/husband.  It is still a major dream for my life.  I believe that God created me to love in this way, at some point in my life.  Waiting for this relationship has been hard over the past eleven years, and I may have many hard years of waiting ahead.  God may never bless me with this relationship.  But realizing that I don’t need a man in my life has helped me take one more small step to being at peace with being an independent, single woman at this stage in my life.  God has taught me a lot and done many beautiful things in my life so far, and I know He will continue to teach me and create beauty in my life whether I am single, in a relationship, or married.  I am so thankful that God placed a girl who is wise beyond her years in the youth group at my church and used her to teach me a lesson I should have learned when I was her age!