Tonight, my heart is full of grief and joy. It is the oddest feeling. The cause of this mix of feelings is an organization I am a part of. It is a student-led, student-directed choir on my college campus. It is a group that seeks to glorify God through singing, service, and fellowship. I have been a member since my freshman year, and some of my dearest friends are in the group! I am a junior now and had the privilege of serving this group as president this school year. I have learned many things as a member and as a leader in this group.
One of the most important things I have learned is the joy of singing and leading worship! I've always loved music and singing, but never really took the opportunity to be in a choral group. (I was always too scared to sing by myself in an audition!) But when I got to college, I knew this was a group I wanted to be a part of! It is not a large group, so I had to quickly get used to hearing myself sing. It was intimidating and wasn't always easy to sing with people more experienced than I was. But the struggles were worth it, because I have truly been blessed by the opportunity to lead others in worship! I used to be the person saying, "I could never sing in front of others," but now, I want to tell people how easy it is when you forget that people are watching and simply sing for the Lord, our audience of one! There have been a number of times where our choir was leading a church or another group in worship and I truly felt like we were experiencing heaven on earth!
One time we were giving a concert at a church, and we didn't have the words to all of our songs memorized. Our director asked that the words be put on the screen, and then she invited people to join in with us. They did, and it was the most amazing time of worship! It was so neat to watch others worship in their own way and add their voices to ours!
Another thing I learned is that being a student leader is hard, especially in a tight knit group that considers itself family! The people you are leading are your friends, and you have to be very careful with what you say and do as a leader. You also have very little leverage to make people come to rehearsals or events, so the people who come are the people who truly want to be a part of the group and community. I think this is one of the issues our choir ran into. At one point in time, our choir was so large they had to have auditions to limit the number of people in the group for space reasons! But even by the time I became a part of the group, the number of people started to dwindle. Many of our members enjoyed the choir and community, but it was the first activity they dropped when schedules got busy or school got challenging. We also had trouble recruiting new members because the idea of a ministry choir was unfamiliar to people, and as I've already mentioned, singing in public is unattractive to many people.
I became an officer of the group my sophomore year, and we spent many hours discussing how to re-energize the group and attract new members, but by the end of the year, the group had not grown despite our many efforts. Many of the leaders were tired of the task of leading. (As I've come to find out, it is very wearing to consistently get little response to efforts you make.) Some of the leaders and other members were also making decisions about the communities they would choose to be a part of for their last years in college. Unfortunately, the chose to grow deeper relationships in other communities. And since they made that decision, I have seen them flourish in their chosen community!
But this is where the shattered part comes in. For me, it was heartbreaking to watch my friends willingly leave the community that had brought us together. Most of them left without even looking back or checking in on the group which hurt me even more. It seemed like they just didn't care what happened to our group or to me. God has used this situation to teach me so much about forgiveness and truly praying that the best comes for people who have hurt you. God has also taught me about loving people no matter what.
Some people chose to leave, and I do think that hurt our choir. BUT others chose to stay and a few committed people joined! Our group has had a beautiful year of fellowship, worship, and service. I am so thankful for the friendship of the people in this group. I am also thankful for the dedication and faithfulness shown by these old and new friends. We have a beautiful community!
And here is the grief, our choir will not continue to be a choir next year. Despite the efforts and faithfulness of the people in choir, there are not enough of us to continue it. Those of us who will be at school next year are making plans to meet and continue to have our community, but I know it won't be quite the same. It is an organization that has meant a lot to me, and it has meant a lot to many other people who have gone to my school in past years. I am heartbroken that it will no longer be around to be a place of belonging for people who might not fit anywhere else. I am sad that over the past few years my greater faith and school community missed the work God was doing through our choir and could not help us continue this work. I am sad that there will be one less group of singers praising the Lord. However, I am expecting God to work through our members in other ways. They all have a passion for the Lord which needs to be shared with others. I know God will use them in great ways!
While my memories of choir will always be tinged with sadness and regret, I will choose to remember this group with joy. I will remember the laughter and love we shared! I will remember the way we supported one another in tough situations! I will remember the joy of singing for the Lord! I will remember brokenness and the restorative beauty of the presence of God!
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