Renewal

            Losing my grandmother was really tough.  I had never had anybody that close to me or special to me pass away before.  Her stroke was unexpected, and it was almost a year before she finally passed away.  Watching the body of a person who was vibrant and kind become a twisted, unresponsive mess was difficult.  It was also difficult to see what it did to my grandfather and my mom.  In my mind and to other people, I told myself I was trying to depend on God to get me through that tough time.  But at the same time, I had a tough time with a roommate, some feelings for multiple guys that I was trying to work through, a tough class load, and a difficult situation in an organization I was a part of.  Looking back, none of these things seem too terrible in the grand scheme of things, but for me, at that time in my life, it was awful.  And instead of drawing closer to God like I knew I should, I pushed away and chose to be angry at Him.  I was just trying to survive, and I didn’t want God challenging me to be a better person during this time, so I pushed really hard away from Him.  I really questioned whether a relationship with God was really worth it.  That spring semester felt like it would never end. 

            But it did.  And I went to London to study abroad.  I didn’t automatically draw closer to God by reading the bible or attending church services in London.  In London, there wasn’t any pressure to be a “good” Christian like there sometimes is at my college and in other parts of my life.  I knew I had the opportunity to be somebody completely different.  I knew I could go out and party and meet guys and drink and no one would judge me for that or even have to know.  In fact, some of my traveling companions did just that.  But I discovered that, even when presented with a situation where there is no pressure or standards or people watching me and judging me, I still choose to live my quiet life and enjoy things in a calm, steady manner!  I learned that I truly desire to be helpful and that I am a person who picks up the slack for other people.  I don’t have to be with a large group of people to enjoy myself, and those times when I am by myself are perfect times to savor a precious moment just between God and me. 

            I arrived back in the States feeling refreshed after my busy spring semester.  Later in the summer I had the opportunity to chaperone a youth group trip to church camp focused on mission.  It was with the church I attend while I am at school, and I hadn’t had much interaction with the youth.  I wasn’t sure how they would respond to me.  I was overwhelmed by the kindness and respect they showed me!  They included me in their group in an appropriate way for an adult.  On that trip, I was placed in a group that worked alongside an intentional community which was a type of organization I had been exploring with my community involvement committee at school.  It was a blessing to see one in action and to partner with them and help them.  I just felt God’s presence in an incredible way that week!  I sensed His forgiveness of my sins, His love for me, and a sense of renewal provided by Him. 

            Since that time, I haven’t come rushing back to the way I used to relate to God, but I haven’t pushed Him away either.  I sought Him and His presence more often during the fall semester.  And I felt healing begin to occur in many areas of my life.  I am at a stage in my life where I am very busy, and I am learning to be very thankful for the foundation in His word He helped me create during my middle and high school years because it is seeing me through.  I am also thankful for my church family and my Sunday School teachers who impart wisdom to me every Sunday.  Knowing I will learn something new about God or my relationship with Him from them pulls me out of bed every Sunday morning. Our campus worship service is also fundamental in growing my relationship with the Lord, and it is an essential part of my week.

            We have a large campus event at the beginning of each spring semester, and I have another busy semester, so I started off my semester tired and discouraged.  Situations occurred that began to get me frustrated with God again, but in the last week, I have been amazed and totally blessed by Him.  My group for this campus event came together in a way that was powerful and such a blessing!  And I once again felt this sense of forgiveness, love, and renewal!  God has taught me that my relationship with Him has the power to draw me close to others in a way that I can’t manufacture on my own.  He has shown me that at this point in my life, friendship is the most important relationship I can offer or receive from someone.  God has reminded me that relationships are more powerful and lasting than trophies, titles, or prizes!  And finally, God has reminded me that “this is not the end!” And that even if I am separated from people I love, if they believe in the healing power of the death and resurrection of Jesus Christ, we will all come together once again to praise Him for eternity!