What does it mean for me?

            I try not to be selfish because that is the example Jesus set for his followers.  Even though I try, I find that I usually fail miserably.  I was reminded of how selfish I am this past week.  On Wednesday, I found out that the father of a friend had a heart attack.  It wasn’t expected, and I was shocked and sad. (He is alright and actually went home from the hospital today!)  But among some of my first thoughts was the thought, “What does it mean for me?”  It seems like an odd thought, but there is a reason for it.

            You see, for a while now, I have been contemplating a deeper relationship with this friend.  Over the last few months, I’ve been trying to figure out how I feel about him.  I know that we are good friends, and I know that at one point in time he liked me as more than a friend.  I care about him a lot, but I don’t know if it’s the right time in either of our lives for a dating relationship.  And I don’t know if he still cares about me as more than a friend.  As I’ve tried to figure it all out, I’ve watched how I feel when something big has happened to either one of us.  I’ve been looking for an event that would clarify how I feel.  So it was almost natural that when I saw the news about his dad, I asked myself if this event would change anything about my feelings for my friend or our relationship.  It was sort of ridiculous that this should pop into my thoughts when this situation really has nothing to do with me.  But it was my selfish nature making a situation that had nothing to do with me about me.  I realized how selfish and ridiculous the thought was at the time, but clearly I didn’t learn much about being selfish from my reflection.

            Later that night, I was leading middle school bible study at my church.  I asked the kids to give me some ideas about a topic, and I was writing them on the board.  One kid suggested a specific type of eel with two names.  The boy tried to spell it for me, but I told him I would just right eel on the board.  I didn’t’ want to take the time to have him spell it for me.  I was selfish because I wanted to move on, and I might have made him feel bad because I just brushed off his idea.  I didn’t learn anything about being selfish from my earlier thoughts in the day because I didn’t consider the feelings of the boy in this situation.

            This is how it happens a lot of times in my life.  I realize I’m being selfish (or having some other negative emotions or doing something wrong) but I charge right on with what I’m doing, and I don’t think about the other person’s feelings.  Then, after the fact, I think about the situation and realize how selfish I was and how the other person might have felt.  I regret how I’ve acted, but I can’t go back and change what I did.  I try to learn from my mistakes, but after only a short time, I find myself being selfish again. 

            I guess these are two more examples of how I’m still a work in progress.  Next week at middle school bible study, I will try to listen closely to the responses of the kids and not be in a rush to move on.  And if there is a next time for me to hear bad news about this particular friend or any other friend, I will try to think only of what the situation will be like for the friend and not think about what it means for me.

One Song

As I watched last night's debate, this song popped into my head.  I'm really not a big fan of politics, and I hate the way political differences divide the citizens of our nation.  I understand that the two sides balance each other out and ensure that no side gets too much power.  BUT sometimes I long for the day when we will all praise our Father in heaven without division!

"There will be no division!  Everyone will belong!  When we all join together in ONE song!"

Solace in the Ups and Downs

If I'm struggling, at least I'm following the God who is the solid rock!

Ups and Downs

            I started this blog on an up.  Wednesday night I was leading middle school bible study at my church, and as I was teaching, I felt God’s presence in an amazing way!  I think I was still reveling in that feeling when I made the decision to create the blog on Thursday night.  Of course, I chose to create the blog instead of going to bed like I should have.  So Friday I was super tired, and I had a really busy day.  Friday night I was at choir practice, and once again, I felt like God was really close to me during a time of prayer!  It was another neat experience, and I had fun at choir practice.  But because of two late nights in a row and a busy day in between, I was exhausted.   I chose not to set my alarm, so I slept very late Saturday (aka it was afternoon when I got out of bed!)  Even after I got up, I was so tired that I just couldn’t make myself do any work.  I have a long list of assignments I need to be working on, so I just got frustrated at myself.  I felt so overwhelmed by all that I had to do and by the fact that I didn’t feel like I had the energy to do any of it.  I did manage to get a few things done, but it was not even close to what I wanted or needed to get done.  I was pretty mad and frustrated at myself, so Saturday was definitely a low. 

            This morning, I almost went back to sleep, but I managed to get to Sunday school on time.  In Sunday school, I was blessed with a lesson about God showing up in the midst of the whirlwind! (Job 38:1-7)  It seemed to fit perfectly with the way I was feeling yesterday.  After church, I had to eat lunch and run errands.  By the time I got back to my room, I was feeling tired again.  I wasted some time, and then made myself go to the library to study.  I got some reading done, but not nearly enough.  And here I am now, sitting on my couch watching a tv show because I don’t want to miss the new episode.  I wish I could blame my problems on the long list of assignments I have to complete or something else, but I know it’s my own fault.  I also wish I could say I had an amazing weekend where I got a lot of work done and spent lots of time pouring over God’s word, but I can’t.  In the end, I know I probably needed the rest, and I will get all my work done eventually.  But I still feel frustrated with myself, and I know that it will make my already busy week busier.  I guess it just goes to show that I’m still a work in progress like everyone else in this world.

Every Title Has a Story That Follows...

Wow!  I can’t believe I’m doing this!  I have been a reader of blogs for years now.  I’ve observed how people have shared their stories with others through this form of communication.  I have been blessed by thoughts and ideas shared by others.  Now I’m ready to share my story and bless others!  That’s the way I work.   I observe until I’m comfortable, and then I jump in! 

            Before I do anything else, I want to explain the title of my blog.  Last year at exam time, my Mom sent me a care package of brownies because obviously, chocolate makes everything better!  Right after picking up the package, I headed to lunch where I offered them to all my friends sitting at the table with me.  I couldn’t resist sharing the joy of a care package and homemade goodies!  When I got back to my suite, I set the container of brownies on the table in our common area which was the sign between my suite mates, roommate, and I that the food was fair game for anyone.  Even though I love chocolates and sweets, I try to limit myself to one sweet per day.  Because of a busy schedule, I was never in my room at the time when the sweet tooth craving hit and a number of days passed. 

            One day, I noticed that my brownies were about gone, and I planned to eat the last few that evening.  It must have been a weekend because when evening came, my suite mates, roommate, and I were all in the room at the same time which was a rare occurrence, especially at exam time!  Before I got the chance, my suite mates grabbed the container of brownies, and before I knew it, I was eating half of a brownie instead of the two or three I had planned to eat.  As I sat there sulking over my missed treat, it also dawned on me that out of the whole container of brownies I had only eaten two and a half.  I was really disappointed because care packages had not been a frequent occurrence throughout the school year because of events in my family that I’m sure I’ll tell you more about later.  I had been really excited to eat those brownies and was kind of mad that my suite mates had eaten all of them. 

            I pouted for a couple of days, but as I thought about it, I realized how silly I was being.  I had willingly offered the brownies to my friends at lunch the day they had come, and I willingly set them on the table in the common area knowing I was telling my suite mates it was okay to eat them.  I had made an offering of ALL my brownies to my friends, but I hadn’t actually meant for them to eat them all.  As I thought more and more about it, I realized that this was one big metaphor for my life.  Over and over again, I offer my life to God and say I’m ready to do whatever you want me to do.  And over and over again when God asks me to do something, I quickly take back my offering and tell Him what I actually meant was He could only have a part of my life.  Even after ten years of being a Christian, I struggle with wanting to be in control of my life.  I quickly forget how badly I mess things up.  I also forget how peaceful life can be when I trust God with ALL of my life.  This blog is meant to remind me of “the brownie incident” and serve as an account of my struggles with giving God full control of my life.  May it bring glory to His holy name!